New journal because I feel almost embarrassed by that last one.

Yes, I do go on dA to rant if I need to (god knows I have nobody else to really go to), but I really do feel bad if it's up there for a long time. I hate to seem 'emo' or whatever, like I can't get my life together. I can...it's just hard.

So anyway I spoke to a few people about what's been going on and we all agree that what i'm feeling is most likely an extreme form of loneliness, which I have been diagnosed with in the past. Stupid, I know, but it happens.

Really all I need to do to fix this is to find people to hang out with. That's hard enough as is, since I have to do college things and find a job and start driver's ed and take the SATs and ACT (never agreed to this >.>. So i'm relatively booked. Thankfully, I have both MSN and yahoo to hold me over.

Besides this, I realized that I still had lost motivation, and if anything realized that my drive to play video games (except my N64 emulator for some reason) does not cross my mind anymore. In fear that my love of drawings will cease, I have been in fact forcing myself to draw. It's been a good try, and i've produced a few interesting drawings.

But other than that there is no real change in my life. Most interesting would probably that my independent study class was a mix-up in the schedule; i'm supposed to have it next semester and have creative writing then instead. So i've been going to creative writing, and actually wrote a short story for once. People have said it's my absolute best, which is pretty cool.

But yea..'tis really it. Umm..I have a pain in my left eye that won't go away and it feels like someone punched me in the face (it hurts to shut my eye, too). Hoping that will go away by tomorrow.


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I'm sorry guys...I know that I haven't been active with, really anything since I came back from my trip.

Just recently my motivation to do things has just...nosedived, really. I can't get myself to do anything anymore. Most of the time I just sit around and wait. What i'm waiting for I still don't know.

Originally I thought that this was due to just being lonely. Ever since Lilly left my place last week, I did get a little lonely. That's normal, I just spend a weekend with one of my friends and then she had to leave. That's normal.

But now I find myself in a stupor. People speak to me and occasionally I don't even understand what they're saying, never mind realizing they're talking. In long car rides, where my ADHD will normally kick in and i'll instinctively go for my DS (which this is in fact, the reason I bring it with me everywhere)...no matter how long the car ride i'll just stare out into space.

Important things like chore and hw seem to be of insignificance. I actually forget things like that exist. My room is such a mess normally it'd bother me, but now it doesn't. It's getting to the point I have no motivation to eat . If i'm hungry or thirsty, I just forget. I wait until i'm forced to go to dinner etc.

I also realized I don't think much. People who used to appear in my thoughts constantly are only vague images every so often. Most of the time i'm just focused on what i'm doing (or lack of), so even then I don't think much. At least I have my music. Thankfully I remember to play music. Although silence suddenly doesn't bother me anymore, unlike how it used to.

Geeze, don't even get me started on drawing. I can't draw, I just can't. I drew occasionally (impulsive drawing from God? Thank you) but other than those slight boughts...I can't get myself to draw either. I just hold a pencil and stare at a blank piece of paper (can't get myself to draw digitally anymore, at all). All trying does is bring me pain. Even so, every so often if I try to get up to move, my body will go into a slight spasm, like it doesn't want to get up.

I need to find out why this is happening. I feel like i'm dying on the inside. That I continue to live but it's just my body doing it's job. My mind just doesn't want to anymore. I think the only good thing is school. Despite the fact that I really have to force myself to read or draw, in class I have no other choice. But it gets me to do something.

So, i want to apologize. Untill I can get this sorted out...I may not sign into dA or MSN as much as I used to. I may, just out of habit, but I may stop responding after awhile...


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Well, I have to say that summer flew by alot faster than I expected. It really did. One minute i'm in Europe having the absolute BEST time of my life, to finding myself in school with a new schedule in hand. Yea, you hear me right; yesterday was the first day of my senior year of high school.

But before I go into that, my weekend comes first.

If any of you remember the awesome Vermont girl who I befriended on my trip, we managed to get her a train ride to my place and she stayed the weekend. It was great, I was so happy to finally get to see her again after such a long time. We watched movies, went to the mall, and spent two hours in a Wal-mart XD Really good times, seriously. She even brought over about nine CD's she burned for me and now I have about 100+ songs thanks to her.

I also figured out that she made a dA account, and you can find her at ~Celticfirelilly. So if you want to stop by, check her photos out

The sad thing was that she came originally for the P2P reunion party, but it had a rain date of sunday, yet she had to leave for home right when it started(ish). So after two days roughly of hanging out with her, I had to say goodbye to my friend and go to the reunion alone. I got to see all my old friends, including Kevin from California which was great, then went to Matt's house for a bit. It was a slow night, we didn't do anything special.

So now it's back to school, a brand new senior and slightly awkward that i'm now the "high and mighty" one of the school. But at least I have some decent classes.

My first class on the first day is my Independent study on Illustration. For those of you not familiar with how independent study works, I am pretty much my own teacher; I assign my own projects and do my own thing. Once I come up with a due-date and finish said project, I explain what I had to do, show my teacher and then she'll give me a grade she thinks I deserve on it. So what i'm working on is pretty much taking the idea of Barty and making it into what COULD be made into it's own movie. It's a good start to actually working for Disney one day.

My next class is Film Study, where the teacher there is so friendly to me although I've only spoken to him twice. It's great to have such a kind and eccentric teacher, and even better is not only do I get to watch a lot of movies (including Casablanca, Silence of the Lambs, The Graduate, Some Like it Hot, Psycho etc) we even have chances to make our own! I am really looking forward to this class.

My next class is Nightmares, and my teacher is the same teacher I had last year for my drama class. This class we read some well-known horror lit, including works by Poe, Dracula and Carrie. It's a simple english class, and isn't as spectacular as most of my other classes. But at least I have ~Tamaki-tono and ~Chia-Pet4 in the same class as me.

My next class is a free, I don't even have a study hall then. Technically, since i'm a senior, the school just expects my school day to end there, so every once and awhile i'll just leave the building early by this point.

On day two, my first class is Psychology. I am REALLY EXCITED for this class. No kidding, I was so intent this morning, I was paying very close attention despite the fact I was so tired. I pretty much soaked up all my teacher said like a sponge, as she went on about little miscellaneous facts about the human psyche. I was hooked, and after class I sat with her and we talked about dreams and phobias and other such things.

My next class is Communication Design with my art teacher from last year (and the same teacher who helps me with my independent study). All the class does is draw with photoshop. This class is in the bag, I really have no other comment on it.

Next is Drawing and Painting II (which is sadly held in the exact same room as the prior room, so I stay in the same spot from 9:00 to 12:00). It's pretty much the same class as the one I took last year (with the art teacher I had in my sophmore year...?). Despite the fact that she...gets me angry, i'm going to have an open mind and do my best in class.

Last class I have is Environmental Science with my Bio teacher from sophmore year (who's awesome). We pretty much learn about the environment. It's pretty much self explanitory, but still looking forward to it.

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I really can't believe it. The summer flew by so quickly that I never even realized it until now that the 31st is the first day of senior year. God...where did that come from?

In all honesty, I know exactly why all of this is such a surprise. The beginning of the summer (two weeks) I was hanging around (as usual), enjoying summer and getting really hyped up for the trip. Once July hit I was flown out to Europe and lived for three weeks without a calendar. Yes, for those three weeks I did not know what day it was...since the plane ride to France screwed up what day it was supposed to be. Then once I arrived in the US again after that, I was so depressed that I was gone I rotted on the couch for three weeks and then woke up realizing I start school again in about ten days. Yea, it was quite a shock.

I really do regret not doing anything this past month. Other than the days I was suffering from major jet-lag, I really should've made up for the three weeks I "lost" by going to the mall or something. But I just sat around, no motivation for anything. I even tried drawing and that didn't work. Most I got to do was play pokemon a tad.

But whatever the cause, I want to make up for all those times I did nothing. I want to make up all the times I was just too upset to comment or fav, and too tired to get out of the house. I will do all I can before the summer ends to make myself happy.

You see, once this year starts, I have a good reason to not be online much. Not only will I have a job (hopefully), I will be getting my driver's permit, studying for the SATs (again), getting stuff ready for college, and trying to get my grades up so I can go on vacation next year.

And god am I afraid of college.

But anyways, I owe a few things from people. Might as well get them out of the way.


1- I will add the first 14 people to comment on this journal to the Promotional List.

2- For each of those 14 people, I will put their avatar and three deviations I like from their gallery on the list.

3- If I feature you, you'll have to do the same in your journal, putting me on the first place, completing this way the list with 14 people.

1. [link] [link] [link]
2. [link] [link] [link]

Also....this

1. What time did you get up this morning?
9...ish

2. How do you like your steak?
Kinda pink but not red

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Ice Age 3

4. What is your favorite TV show?
WLiiA...too bad it's never on anymore

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Poland, Disney World

6. What did you have for breakfast?
Croissant from Panera's...and then had pop-tarts

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Italian

8. What foods do you dislike?
Pickles , mushrooms, pie, mac and cheese

9. Favorite Place to Eat?
Outback

10. Favorite dressing?
Ew

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
Don't drive...........but I want a motorbike

12. What are your favorite clothes?
Slightly masculine?

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
I'm going back on that European trip...or Poland....or both...OR DISNEY WORLD

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
Depends

15. Where would you want to retire?
Disney

16. Favorite time of day?
Early afternoon

17. Where were you born?
Somewhere in Poland

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
I don't really watch sports

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
...

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
...

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
...

22. Bird watcher?
I stare at anything that moves and isn't a person

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night...i'm serious as hell, but at least i'm not cranky

24. Do you have any pets?
No..........................

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
...i'm currently wearing boxers for underwear.....? 0.o; (I have a perfectly legitimate reason too...)

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
Artist

27. What is your best childhood memory?
Any moment not being in school in my current town

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
Dog

29. Are you married?
No

30. Always wear your seat belt?
Yea

31. Been in a car accident?
No

32. Any pet peeves?
Yes

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
I just like cheese

34. Favorite Flower?
Don't have one

35. Favorite ice cream?
Chocolate

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
McDonald's only for the fries...but for overall food, Wendy's

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Didn't try yet

38. From whom did you get your last email?
ummm.......facebook stuff...but before that...I think *nadare-sama 0.o That was back in the beginning of July

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
IF THE DISNEY STORE WAS STILL AROUND I'D CHOOSE THAT. So I guess Best Buy

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
Not since the trip, no

41. Like your job?
I would if I HAD ONE.....i'm looking at YOU, Toys 'R Us

42. Broccoli?
Never actually tried it

43. What was your favorite vacation?
DISNEY WORLD. And the European Trip

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
My parents

45. What are you listening to right now?
"Melting in the Sun" by INXS....thank you *Experiment720 :3

46. What is your favorite colour?
Anything but pink

47. How many tattoos do you have?
None

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
None

49. What time did you finish this quiz?
10"23

50. Coffee Drinker?
...I hate coffee

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--------------UPDATE-------------------------------------------------------------

Umm, I wanted to apoligize for not doing much of anything lately. I know I haven't been uploading or commenting or whatever and I just wanted to say that lately I don't really have alot of motivation to do anything anymore. I've just been so bored with everything, it gets so repetitive. But hopefully I can be able to draw more or something.

By the way, my surgery is going to be postponed for a few months. Personally, I don't want to have a painful surgery right before school >.>

Also, i'll be gone untill Sunday afternoon, you know to drill if you have to try and contact me (note me).

---------------------END UPDATE-------------------------------------------------

So....since the 6th i've officially been away from the trip for an entire week. In my opinion, it feels at least a year longer than it actually is. I really do miss the trip, and everyone who was there with me. We were like a family, full of good and bad times, and despite everything you just can't help but miss it. I miss everything from the good times with my friends to the bickering of my roommates. All of it had this irreplaceable charm to it that you just can't shake. Even without the drama with 39 teenagers spending three weeks with each other, the sights and views of a completely new country continue to baffle me even now.

Because of this sudden lack of interest, everything has become so boring I can't stand it. I can't even sleep correctly with being so bored I lie awake at night. And I though jet-lag was bad, this is alot worse. Thankfully, i've been able to get some slight grasp of inspiration and can still draw, while it holds onto my interest for the slightest amounts of time.

As of now I stalk MSN, SWF, yahoo, facebook, youtube, and dA in some hopes that someone will say something or i'll see something that will miraculously get me out of this drift, but that's nearly impossible.

GOOD news is that the reunion party for the trip will be the 29th, and I get to see all my amazing friends once again and reminisce. The even better part is that my friend from Vermont will be staying at my house over the weekend so she can attend the party as well. I'm really looking forward to that, but theirs only one thing in my way from a great last few weeks of vacation.

Yes, in a week I will have to have surgery on my tooth. It's going to be an IV sedation, and let me tell you this, i've never had an IV before. I'm rather nervous as to what to expect, in all honesty. I'm just hoping that the surgery goes successfully.

But yes, I have a few more pieces i'm working on and i'm hoping to finish them all soon.

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